Caregiver Burden

When we choose to become parents, we enter into a phase of life that is demanding, unnerving, overwhelming and at times, rewarding. Those early days of sleeplessness, fumbling to change a diaper without getting anyone dirty, patiently waiting for the crying to stop, and thinking, “What do I DO?” are hallmarks of parenthood. Honestly, if we knew what we were getting into, many would not willingly choose it. Parenting is HARD. As parents, we love that little being with a force we’ve never experienced before, a fierce force of responsibility that we cannot put down. It can be exhausting. But watching that little person take his first steps, or put together her first block tower is exhilarating and makes the hard work have meaning. 

We know going into parenthood that we have to take care of another person, and we do it gladly. We go into other relationships with a spouse or significant other also gladly, willingly, and comprehensively: “…in sickness and in health” is what many commit to one another. However, as young marrieds, we don’t always expect that at some point, the other will become so sick and dependent upon you that the responsibility feels enormous and unrelenting. Caring for another adult whom you can’t just pick up and pop in another room, or help solve problems that to you are simple, becomes a problem for both of you. Caring for a loved one with cancer has an element of chronicity and deep, deep soul-crisis. “Whoa, this is out of my wheelhouse!” You might think. And it is. We never expect that we will have to be a caretaker, administrator, advocate, medical-decision-maker, therapist, priest, and best friend all rolled into one. Especially when we might be working a full-time job OR, as so many of us middle-age folk are doing, navigating our way through “sniper’s alley.” Un-launched children on one end and elderly, failing parents on the other. Or a partner who has cancer. Or all three.

The psychic and physical energy required to be the rock that all of these people need day in and day out can quickly lead to burnout. With a cancer diagnosis, the patient is given resources and leeway; the caregiver, another list of how to help her. While we care for our dependents out of love and duty, it is not unusual to develop resentment. Being resentful of the extra burden you have to take on can erode the foundation of any relationship, but also erode the energy you need to keep going. We can have a tendency to compare ourselves (tired but generally okay) to our loved one (way worse—sick, weak, and struggling with cancer) and brush off any suggestion that we also need care. But we do. We cannot pour from an empty cup. 

You Deserve Care Too

If you are a caregiver, try and recognize that you also deserve care. You may need to talk to a therapist to unwrap your feelings about being where you are at, grief around your loved one, or unresolved trauma that caretaking may have brought up. You may need more exercise than usual, or more time lying on the ground with your feet up the wall. You will need friends. And time in nature. You may need to spend some time listing out what fills you up and scheduling that each week. Where can you ask for help (and what type of help are you willing to accept)? You may also find support groups helpful; consider these resources: 

• National Alliance for Caregiving
• Family Caregiver Alliance
• Caring for the Caregivers
• Taking Care of YOU: Self-Care for Caregivers
• Feeling Overwhelmed with Parenting Demands

Take a page from the Nagoski sister’s masterpiece: Burnout. There is such a thing as compassion fatigue, and without self-compassion and self-care we get there pretty fast. 

Return to In-person Clinic

Many of you are my former patients and have scratched your heads about why I would walk away from a busy practice two years ago. At the time, I was handling several of the Big Stressors a human faces: moving, divorce, and caring for an aging parent (or two) while managing a distressed teenager. I found that I just couldn’t “bring it” to my patients anymore the way I had cared for them for over 20 years. I was burned out. For me, that was unacceptable because every patient deserves my best. I took a break. 

My personal commitments are ongoing, but this summer I’m able to commit to in-person time with patients. I’ve spent time caring for myself, seeing new places and communing with friends, working on non-clinical projects, and writing my book. Upon my return from my 40th high school reunion this May, with people who always fill my cup, I’ll be seeing patients again at Bellingham Natural Family Medicine. Click here for details and to book an appointment. Happy Spring!